CONAN O'BRIEN: BIG BOYS DO BAWL--ESPECIALLY YOUNG HARVARD HAVE IT ALLS

Want to laugh? Don't turn into the Tonight Show with Conan--we hardly knew thee--O'Brien.

Conan, the late night laugh master, being paid mega-millions to make us forget the hell in Haiti, the foreclosures, homes without heat, moms without milk and eggs, dads not bringing home the bacon and all the woes that keep us from nodding off at night was having MAJOR PROBLEMS. WAKE UP, AMERICA!!!

This poor Harvard graduate was being asked to start his national high-paying talk show where he yuks it up with the rich and famous a half hour later. OMG!!!!! Is this a fate worse than cable or what? It's enough to keep a nation hooked on barbituates to get some zzz's.

The sobnopsis went something like this: Jay Leno, who had been number one before on the Tonight Show, had been nudged by NBC to give up his show because Conan was not happy waiting in the wings to come on national TV until Jay went off. In fact, if this ungrateful network didn't make room for moaning Conan now, he was jumping ship like any loyal employee looking out for his back would, I guess.

So, Jay moved to ten p.m. and passed the baton to the tall Ivy guy to start entertaining us at 11:30. But the audience didn't follow: Leno limped along in the ratings and Conan's sank lower than --I'm tempted to say my sagging breasts, except Conan might make fun of me for doing that. Naw, he is too down about his "dream" being delayed.

Ok, the brass at NBC says: hey, conehead--no no--they reportedly said dear Conan how about letting Leno come on at eleven thirty again and winning that time slot for the home team--you know the guys that write your fat paycheck. Then you'll come on say thirty minutes later. Jay said he would take the move on his infamous chin. O'Brian though goes ballistic and morose at the same time (a hard act to follow).

Now, we start tuning in for late night dramedy. Conan cries out to the youth of America--something about you can have your dream, providing Jay Leno doesn't want it. Ah, we have a villain. Leno, the old gray stand-up who wants to keep standing (the nerve of him) Conan the conquering hero drums up all the sympathy he can. Tom Hanks--yes, the beloved Forrest Gump star--has us reaching for hankies over Conan's fate. Other A-listers also come on to to offer tea and ratings to the comic who is about to laugh all the way to the bank with about $45 million--chump change to Moaning Conan.

Oh, yes, money is no object. Didn't you hear about the economic boom in this country??? Conan socks it to the ass--ah, brass at NBC nightly. He rounds up Ringo Star to help with his swan song. And guess what? Want to know how to blow a half million bucks as fast as you can say Bingo? Just play a song and pay $500,000 for the rights, owned by the Beatles, about Rita when Tom Hanks comes on. Tom is married to Rita Wilson. Get it. HaHaHaHa--NBC gets it--sucker punched. Or as Conan put it: we are having fun on television.

Wow, maybe we could all have fun by turning off the television and going to bed and playing the song ourselves. (At least we coud afford a few more cheetos.) Hey, but Conan got his send-off. He even thanked NBC for the memory and opportunity. He said: don't be cynical, folks. That's his least fave characteristic.

Besides, he'll be back. FOX is knocking. Oh, that crafty Conan is no dummy. They don't let you into Harvard for nothing folks.

Oprah has Jay Leno on, and asks why he didn't retire. Wasn't the graying stand-up being selfish, at his age no less. Oh, he had a staff of over a hundred and fifty with children to think of too. Ho-hum. Oprah's audience thought Jay had been the bad guy--robbing Conan of a half hour TV time. I wonder what Oprah's demos are.

Well, Willie Loman wouldn't have made it in late night or early or dinner time TV. Tom Brokaw went into semi-retirement at 65. The bewitching number? They shoot horses, don't they. Why not late night comedians? Why not anybody willing to show his or her wrinkled face.

Sad-eyed Jay said he has a lot of damage control to do. Well, Jay, baby, don't worry. If you don't come back with a bang--you will with a boom. A lot of us baby boomers will be right there with you--and if the only applause you hear is from women old enough to advertise the clapper when she turns out the lights, you'll still be having the last laugh for a lot of us. So, go win one for the clapper.